27 Nov THE ‘SECRET SAUCE’ TO LASTING LOVE
The personal development industry is very focused on people managing self and dealing with their own stuff. Facing their shadow. Know who you are. Manage your emotions.
Which I believe is important.
There are too many people projecting their crap onto their family, friends and love ones.
When it comes to intimate relationships, I sometimes see a lack of emotional support for partners.
Because now ‘everyone needs to work on their own shit’ and take full responsibility for themselves.
If something is raised within a relationship which clearly shows that one partner needs to do some ‘work’ on themselves, this doesn’t excuse the other partner from showing love and support for their partner.
Fly away comments like ‘well that’s your shit to work on’ are going to create just as much resentment and withdrawn love as what projecting your victim self onto your partner will do.
What we need are relationships that encourage independence whilst also nurturing dependence.
You can depend on your partner without losing yourself.
You can show love and support and still hold space for your partner to manage their own stuff.
Flat mates live independently with each other
Lovers depend on their partner.
For example; a woman may have a large ambition to build a thriving business and understands that facing her fears and managing herself accordingly to achieve such audacious goals is important.
That doesn’t mean she won’t turn to her husband with tears in her eyes and tell him about the fear she feels that she doubts herself and her capability.
And even though, she is fully aware courage is found in facing her fears (which is all to do with her)
She loves nothing more than when her partner hugs her, looks her dead in her eyes and tells her: ‘you got this!’ and regardless of the outcome he loves her and believes in her. ‘Now go out there, show them who’s boss then bring your sexy butt back here to me’
Equally, the man knows that his partner is a complete badass at business, and when she shows her vulnerable side, instead of trying to fix her/the situation or responds with ‘you’ll be right’ he showers her with love and stands right beside her.
Notice how she is vulnerable and he does not fix.
Notice how he encourages her to do the thing she is afraid of, and also mentions that he needs her back with him.
This is interdependence. This is the ‘secret sauce’ in creating lovingly intimate relationships.
I fear the personal development industry will start to produce an exceeding amount of independent lovers, who re all about self.
In relationship ‘nurture’ is needed for it to thrive.